The Language of Love
by Reader4Lyfe
Summary: Bella is a well to do programmer with her own business but the secret she's hiding may destroy her only chance at happiness. Jasper is a well known tattoo artist who owns a number of shops. When he meets Bella, his world changes but will his own secret tear them apart or bring them closer together? AU. Mature. Jasper/Bella
1. Prologue

**The Language of Love**

**Hey folks! No, your eyes do not deceive you! This is me starting and posting a new story. Technically, I was going to post this over the summer, but I kept hitting road blocks, got lazy, and well, frankly, lost confidence in my writing. But I come to you today, er night, because I'm under a lot of stress and I needed an outlet. One that will hopefully, get me some positive remarks/feedback, although I'm not adverse to constructive critism either. But anyways, this is a new pairing for me but I ship it so haaaard. Lol. I've read a crap load of stories for them and I love it, so I decided to try my hand at it. So we'll see how this goes.**

**See me at the bottom.**

**Prologue**

**BPOV**

I knew that the minute I stepped inside that shop my life was going to change. Whether or not it was going to be a good or bad change remains to be seen. One thing I did know was that if I didn't go in, well, I'd be stuck with this pain for the rest of my life, which is one lifetime too long.

_Pull yourself together, Bella, you can do this_.

I straightened my shoulders and set my jaw. Looking up at the sign, I took a deep breath in then blew it out and reached for the door.

Today was going to make me or break me.

I just hoped I made it because if I broke, I'm sure I'd be able to put myself back together again.

**So, that pique your interest?**

**If enough folks are interested, I may start posting on a regular schedule, but as of right now, I'll be posting when I feel like it. I'm not sure how long this story will be but I hope to be at least two chapters ahead at all times, simply for my sanity. Also, I have just about everything outlined so I know where it's going. Chapters may start out on the small side but they will get longer. Once these folks start talking to me, it's all over then.**

**Also, I'm in the market for a Beta, one that's preferrably over 18 due to the material that this story will eventually touch. PM me if interested. Being able to bounce off of someone will greatly help aside from editing and pre-reading.**

**I may post tomorrow, so be on the look out. **

**Night, folks.**


	2. Chapter 1

**Hi folks! Sorry for the tardiness. I was hoping to get this out yesterday but I needed to do my homework. Yay for college! NOT! Anyways, enjoy.**

**Any mistakes are mine. I'm tired and still without a beta. Pm me if interested.**

**See me at the bottom.**

**I forgot the disclaimer but if I did own, I would not be stressing about not having a place to live in three weeks. **

**BPOV**

"Did you get the memo from Jessica about the Volturi account? Caius Volturi called while you were meeting with Mike."

"Yes, I did. I wrote up a report and sent the beginnings of a security program to Eric and his team."

"Okay, I'll check with him and see when a good date is to set up a meeting for the presentation. Sound like a plan?"

"Sounds good, Angela." I said.

"Is it me or did he sound arrogant and pushy?"

I laughed. "No, you're right. He seems to think he knows everything, even how to write a security program. That's got to be the third time he's called this week. I'm so glad we didn't give him direct lines."

Angela was giggling nodding before I finished my sentence.

"Yeah! We'd be hearing from him a lot more than we want to. I wonder what Aro thinks."

I shook my head. Aro Volturi was the older brother who seemed a lot more humble than his high tempered sibling.

Angela and I finished a few more things before she gathered her papers, signed _See you tomorrow_ and left my office after I waved.

The Volturi account was going to really put our business on top. Swan &amp; Weber Technologies was one of the top security firms on the west coast. Angela and I designed and implemented state of the art security systems. If we could land this account, we'd be national. Volturi Industries was a multimillion-dollar company specializing in anything from mergers and acquisitions to pharmaceuticals. They wanted to upgrade their security before they went international. By upgrade, I mean they wanted an entirely new system, which was a behemoth of a job considering it hadn't had any work in at least five years. Just the thought of how their system looked right now made me cringe. It was so old, disturbingly so, for such a profitable company.

But that was about to change.

I had no idea what I would do without Angela some days. When I finally turned 18, I left for college with the clothes on my back and never looked back. Angela was my roommate at UCLA and she was just as quiet and shy as I was. We both majored in Information Technology, although she minored in business, so we had almost all the same classes together, although we rarely talked. Most of the time, I read her lips or wrote things down. I choose not to speak and although I could hear her, barely, I was more scared than anything. I was not there to make friends, I was there to get done and get out and far away. But Angela didn't treat me like she had an ulterior motive. She didn't make fun of me because I couldn't hear or chose not to speak. She treated me like I was human, like I was her friend, a feeling with which I had never felt before. And although I tried not to let on to the fact that I craved this new friendship, apparently, I wasn't as subtle as I thought. When Angela realized just how much I needed her and that I preferred to use an altogether different form of communication, she surprised me by walking into our dorm room the first day of our second semester and signing, _Hi, my name is Angela. How was your winter break?_ I was so shocked my mouth dropped open, I blinked, and then replied, _Nice to meet you. I'm Bella. My break was fine. You?_ And the rest is history.

I sighed, looking at the stack of papers on my desk. This was going to be a long couple of months. In addition to the Volturi account, I had a smaller account to work on. A nice woman named Esme Platt owned a small business designing wedding and bridesmaids' dresses. She started out at home but her business had grown so much that she was buying a space. Angela had told her that we usually don't work with small businesses and that while we weren't too expensive, we weren't cheap either. Ms. Platt had explained that money was not an object, that her son was paying for the system and he only wanted the best for her. Well, we couldn't argue with that.

While Angela handled the larger companies, I worked with the smaller ones. This was mostly because I did not always have to meet and speak with them about every little thing. Most of the time, the majority of issues could be solved with an email and that suited me just fine. Even though Angela was quiet herself, she worked well with other people and sometimes even thrived when giving presentations to prospective customers.

Really, I'm not sure where I'd be without her.

I gathered up the documents and my laptop, packed them in my messenger bag and headed out, checking that all the doors were locked and our system was backed up to my private server. Everyone else had already left for the week. Friday nights, I usually let my people go a little early. Most days they deserved it; coding was the bane of our existence but we all loved it.

My employees knew I could talk but chose not to, except with Angela of course, and since I hand picked everyone who worked for me, Angela and I devised a system in which they could communicate with me and me with them. Everyone had to learn a few basic signs in case of emergencies but we had codes for certain things, and everyone had to make sure I could see them when they spoke to me. And emails. Lots and lots of emails.

I didn't live far from the building the office was located in so I walked. Downtown San Francisco was nice at night, especially since the weather nice and warm. About 15 minutes later, I left the business area and entered the residential area. Five minutes later, I was unlocking the door to my house.

It was a modest house with three bedrooms, two baths, living room, dining area, kitchen and balcony. I barely made it completely in the door when my dog, Buster, a two year old German Shepherd, leaped at me.

"Hey, Buster! Did you miss me?"

He barked and licked my face, which he knew I hated but secretly loved. His butt wiggled in time with his rapidly wagging tail. I hugged him and scratched between his ears before I made the gesture for 'down' to which he obeyed. I closed and locked the door behind me, arming the alarm system that had disabled when I opened the door. I had designed the locks, keys, and system and only me and Angela had keys to my place, her for emergencies.

I hung my keys on the hook by the door and toed off my shoes. I headed to the kitchen, Buster on my heels. I poured him some food and refilled his water bowl. I grabbed the lasagna I made the day before from the fridge, plated a piece and popped it in the microwave. Buster chowed down and when my food finished, I grabbed a bottle of water, a fork and headed to my room.

Turning on the T.V. on, I tossed my bag on the bed along with the water. Buster trotted in my room just as I was finishing the lasagna. I scratched between his ears again and he licked my hand. I grinned at him. While he got comfortable on my bed, I went back down to the kitchen and tossed my plate, before going through the house and making sure everything was locked up. I hopped in the shower shortly afterwards, and clad in blue boy shorts and an old college t-shirt, I climbed into bed. I yawned heavily then turned the volume on the T.V. down. I hated sleeping in the dark. Although I was not a heavy sleeper, every little sound tended to wake me up no matter how tired or exhausted I was. I shivered as the memories of the reason why rushed through me. I couldn't go there again, not tonight. Before turning off the lamp on my bedside table, I glanced briefly at the notebook that held the tattoo I designed and wondered if I'd ever be normal, if I'd ever be able to be whole.

* * *

**So, did we like the glimpse into Bella's life?**

**Next update will most likely be this weekend. Sorry. Work and school control my life. I'm hoping I can have up to Chapter 3-4 done by then. We'll see. **

**R4L**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hi, folks. I apologize for the lateness. I had homework to finish. And since I wasn't getting any sleep tonight, I figured I'd write something. Y'all should appreciate my insomnia. ;p I do get everyone's reviews and I've read them. I'll try and reply to the ones I can this weekend. You all don't know how much I appreciate them.**

**Any mistakes are mine.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own. I'm just playing in her sandbox.**

**Chapter 2**

**BPOV**

_I huddled in the corner, drawing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them tightly. My hair stuck to my face as tears streamed down my face. I was cold and hungry. The floor was hard and uncomfortable. The darkness was oppressive. I tried my hardness not to make any noise because if I did they would hurt me and then laugh about it afterwards. A beating I could take, it was the mental abusive that was wearing me. What did I do to deserve this? What was wrong with me? What did I do wrong?_

_The floorboards above me creaked and groaned with heavy footsteps. A moment later the door to the tiny room opened and I flinched. The light from the room blinded me and made him seem a lot bigger and scarier. And apparently, I wasn't as quiet as I thought._

"_I thought I told you not to make a sound! You stupid little whore. You never listen!"_

_I screamed and struggled as he grabbed my hair and yanked me to my feet. _

"_I'll teach you to obey me."_

_While dragging me out the room with one hand, he went for his belt with the other…_

"_NO! PLEASE! DON'T! I'll be quiet! I can be quiet. Please, James!" I whimpered, my hands grasping futilely at his hand, trying to ease the strain he was putting on my scalp. My back hit each step, stinging sharply, as he dragged me up the stairs._

"_Obviously, you can't. So I'll teach you how." he cackled._

I screamed as I woke up.

I was panting hard and my heart was beating erratically. Buster whined and crawled up the bed toward me. He planted his head in my lap and licked my hand when I went to rub his head. Buster always knew what to do to help me calm down. I slowly regulated my breathing and grabbed a drink from the water I hadn't finished when I had dinner. I grabbed some tissues from my bedside table and wiped at my sweat-dampened skin. I looked at the time on my phone. 4 a.m. I sighed. I wanted to call Angela. She always told me to call if anything happened, no matter how small. But I never did feel right doing that. Dammit. I knew I shouldn't have gone to sleep thinking about how broken I was. A nightmare was inevitable when I did that.

I sighed again and Buster looked up at me.

"What do you think, Buster? Should I call her?"

He whimpered again and blinked at me.

Angela was the one who suggested I get a dog when I bought the house two and a half years ago. It would be the first time I lived on my own and she didn't think it'd be a good idea for me to come home to a quiet empty place. We'd been talking about getting our own places after living together for a little over six years. I was terrified because I didn't want to lose the only real friend I had and even though we'd see each other at work everyday, because I valued and maybe even craved her friendship, I was not willing to give that up due to different living arrangements. But when we both found places within 10 miles of each other, I knew I had no choice. Angela was ready to have her own space, and while I had no problem with that, I still wasn't sure I was ready. And then I closed on the house. Angela found a condo she liked and we made a pact to meet at least once a week for a girls night. Between the presentation meetings and coordinating with Eric on the design and implementation of the systems, we didn't always have a chance to have lunch together at work during the week.

Buster licked my hand again.

I huffed and grabbed the phone. I knew I would call her because she was there during one of my lowest times and if there was anyone I _knew_ I could count on; it was her. Plus, I most definitely wasn't going back to sleep.

"Hello? Bella? Are you alright?" Angela's sleep roughened voice answered after four rings.

She knew it was me because no one else would call me her at this hour.

"I'm alright, Ang. Well, not really but I'm not panicking."

"Nightmare?"

I nodded even though she couldn't see me.

"Yes." I whispered.

"Buster's with you, right?"

I nodded again, and then rolled my eyes at myself. She couldn't see me.

"Yes, head in my lap and all."

"Good. Did your breathing techniques?"

"Yes, Angela." She knew everything.

"Alright, alright." I could imagine her grinning. There was the faint sound of rustling on the line so I assumed she was sitting up.

After a minute or two of silence she spoke.

"Who was it this time?'

I shuddered, not really wanting to recall the nightmare but knowing I had to because if I didn't, the consequences would be worse.

"James." I whispered his name so softly I didn't think she heard me. But she did.

"Oh, Bella. What happened?"

"He was about beat me, after he stuffed me in that room."

"Dammit, if I ever get my hands on him…" she growled.

Buster barked and I knew he heard her tone. I grinned at them both. Angela acted like such a mama bear sometimes it was almost funny. Buster was just extremely protective and reacted to everything.

"Angela—"

"No, Bella, I'm serious. Some people shouldn't be allowed to—"

She stopped abruptly, and blew out a harsh breath loud enough for even me to hear. After a few moments, she calmed down and spoke again.

"I'm coming over."

"No, Angela, you don't need to—"

"Too late, I'm already up. We're gonna do something fun and totally not serious. I'll be there in 20."

She hung up before I refuse again. I stared at my phone for a good two minutes. Sometimes, I was still shocked that she would do things like that for me, that she would drop everything and come running.

"Well, Buster, Angela's coming over. What do you say we move this party downstairs?"

He barked at the mention of her name (he loved her just as much as he did me, if not more so) and his tail wagged.

I got out from under the covers and, after grabbing the now empty water bottle and my phone, headed downstairs, Buster on my heels. I threw the bottle away when I made it to the kitchen while Buster plopped down the floor in front of the couch. I browsed my DVD collection before deciding on _Sixteen Candles_. It was a classic and totally funny. Fifteen minutes later, Angela let herself in, setting the alarm again while toeing off her shoes. She had a bag with her that looked full of stuff. She grinned at me as she made her way towards me. Buster leaped up and planted his paws on her waist, reaching for her face with his shiny, pink tongue. Angela scratched between his ears just as I had. Buster ate up the attention.

I wondered if I should've been worried about that bag and the grin she had on her face.

**~LoL~**

**JPOV**

I glanced up from the tattoo I was putting the final touches on when the door to the shop opened. The monitor on my desk showed a short, skinny man, balding, mid 40s I'd guess, walking towards the front counter. It was five minutes to closing time and I smiled as I watched Rose's face frown slightly before she greeted him. She hated last minute patrons.

_Can I help you?_

The man approached the counter, giving her a rather crude once over. Oh, this was gonna be good. I waved Emmett over when he glanced up at me from the chair on the other side of the office. He moved towards me with a questioning look and I pointed to the monitor that showed the feed from the various cameras we had placed around the shop.

When Emmett looked he smirked and dragged the chair he had been sitting in over next to me.

"What's he saying?" He asked.

While we could see everything that went on in the shop, there was no audio but I could read lips.

_Well, hello there, missy_.

The friendly, albeit strained, smile on Rose's face tightened just a little bit more.

_Hi, what can I do for you?_

_Oh, honey, there are plenty of things I want you to do for me. But let's start with this._

Rose rolled her eyes and I could see her hand clenching behind the counter. Emmett and I snickered.

The man pulled a folded sheet of paper from his back pocket and handed it to Rose.

_I would like to get this on my leg. From here to here._

He indicated from his right thigh on down. I couldn't quite see what the drawing was exactly, it looked almost like a dragon but I couldn't be sure. Rose looked it over and seemed slightly impressed. I wondered how good the drawing was.

_Okay, well, we can appraise it for you and give you a price. One of the other artists will do it though if you decide to stick with us because I don't usually handle larger pieces._

The man grinned lasciviously and reached for her hand. Wrong move.

_Aw, why can't you do it? I'm sure there's something I could entice you with._

Wrong words.

Emmett and I waited in anticipation because we _knew_ Rose was about to flip her shit.

Her hands clenched, crinkling the paper.

_I'd advise you to remove your hand if you would like to take it home with you._ I could just imagine how cold her voice sounded.

Emmett and I were trying to hold in our laughter as the man snatched his hand back so fast, you'd have thought she burned him.

_Now, do you want this appraised or not? If not, I suggest you leave before my fiancé decides to relocate your limbs._

The man paused, eyes wide, before nodding hesitantly. Rose smiled sweetly and called for Emmett.

By this time we were cracking up. The man looks like he was about to soil his pants. I though he might once Emmett made his appearance.

_He's about to soil himself,_ I sign to Emmett. He nodded, grinning some more before composing himself and walking to the front. I laugh some more as the man's jaw drops. I shake my head once he reaches the counter and return my attention to the piece I was finishing up.

It was a fairly intricate tribal piece that a client wanted intermingled with some words and a date. They'd yet to tell me what it meant but I was thinking it was a tribute to someone who died.

Rose and Emmett walked in the office a few minutes later laughing.

"He really thought that would work!" Rose said, shaking her head.

"Jasper and I were watching. His face when you told him to move his hand!" Emmett guffawed and wrapped an arm around her waist.

I grinned at them.

_I was sure he was going to start running_, I signed.

"He was, but I guess he really wanted that tattoo." Rose laughed.

_What was it?_

Emmett handed me the paper and just like Rose, I was a bit impressed at the artwork. It was a dragon, similar to the one in Dragon Ball Z, but different. It was blue with undertones of black and grey. It had wings and was breathing fire. Swirls of orange, red, yellow and even pink almost made it appear as if it were moving. I wondered who the artist was. There was no signature and I'm pretty sure the man didn't do it.

_This is really good. I wonder who drew it._

"He said a friend did it. It was supposed to be a joke but it looked so good that he wanted to keep it." Emmett explained.

I nodded. I'd keep it, too.

_Appraisal?_

"Somewhere between $300-$500. It depends on if he wants to keep the wings or elongate the tail, or shorten the fire."

I nodded. For the placement the man indicated, the dragon would be need to be altered but not by much.

_Okay. Sounds good. Ready to close?_

They nodded and I shut the monitor off, gathering my sketchbooks, pencils, jacket, helmet and messenger bag, before locking the office. Rose and Emmett walked ahead of me, through the shop turning off lights, music, and t.v.s I locked the door once we were all outside.

_See you tomorrow._

They waved before Emmett unlocked the doors to his jeep, got in, and drove away. I walked to my bike. I loved my bike, the speed, the design, the rush. It was the joy of my life, especially on my dark days. I mounted it, turned the key and took off after revving the engine a few times. Bliss.

All too soon, I made it home. I parked in the underground garage of my condo and took the elevator up to the 10th floor. Unlocking my door, I dropped my keys into the table just inside the door before tugging my bag off. I grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen on the way to my bedroom. I tossed my bag on the bed. I stripped on my way to the bathroom, turning on the shower while I did my business. I was bone tired. I had four clients back to back, all with four-hour sessions. My hands and wrists ached so I held them under the hot spray of the shower for a few minutes. I hurried with the rest of my shower, climbing out and toweling dry. I grabbed a pair of sleep pants, tugged them on and climbed into bed.

I hoped that I had tired myself out enough to have a dreamless sleep but my subconscious had other ideas.

My night was full of hiding, terror, screaming and death.

* * *

**How we doin', guys?**

**Not sure when the next update will be. Maybe this weekend. We'll see.**

**Review, please. They make me happy.**

**I'm still beta hunting.**

**R4L**


	4. Chapter 3

**Hi folks! Welcome to the New Year! **

**I'll let you get to it. See me at the bottom.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own. Just playing in her sandbox.**

**Chapter 3**

**BPOV**

I don't know why I was so scared.

Angela was harmless. She just brought a lot of stuff. Sappy, girly movies, comedic romances, comedies, action, adventure; she always did have such a diverse DVD collection. She also brought Scrabble, which is my all time favorite game. She successfully distracted me all night and well into the morning. I don't think we actually got to sleep until around 5am.

I stood up and stretched; sitting on the couch for too long made my limbs ache. The last movie we watched, _The Big Hit_, was replaying on the T.V. Buster was sprawled out on the floor in front of the couch. His ears and tail twitched as he heard my movements. I glanced at my phone, 9:46 it said. I yawned before gently shaking Angela's shoulder. She groaned and knocked my hand away. I laughed quietly.

"Angela, wake up. Breakfast?"

"Hmm, okay." She mumbled from under her arm.

I shook my head at her before heading off to the kitchen. By the time I made it to the fridge, Buster had made it to the kitchen as well. He came over and nuzzled my hand. I scratched his head, feeding him a dog treat since he stayed up with us too, then moved to fill his water and food bowls.

I got the ingredients for omelets with bacon and wheat bread for toast. By the time I had the toast ready, Angela was lumbering in, rubbing her eyes. She used one hand to sign 'Good Morning' and I acknowledged it with a hum. Buster bumped her thigh when she sat down at the island. She scratched his head same as I did. I plated the food, having set out the plates already. Angela poured the orange juice and we all tucked in, Buster included. He was trained not to eat until I did just in case something happened. It rarely ever happened, well except once…I shook my head to clear it. I wasn't doing back there today.

Angela tapped my shoulder. I glanced at her.

_Are you okay?_ She signed.

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut tightly against the memories that threatened to overtake me. Buster stopped eating and plopped his head on my thigh, along with a paw. He whimpered, alerting me to his change in breathing pattern. I listened for a moment and then changed my breathing to match his. Sometime later, I came back to myself, calm and relaxed. Angela rubbed my back once she knew I was calm and wouldn't react badly to her touch. I also knew it was coming so I could expect it. Buster woofed quietly and went back to eating.

"I hate it when that happens." I sighed quietly.

"You should be proud. You got through that in about five minutes. Before, it used to take you more than a day." Angela grinned at me.

I grinned back and finished my food. Angela, having finished hers went to clean up the kitchen. She took my plate once I was done and we headed our separate ways to get ready for the day. We met at the front door a half hour later. I pulled Buster's identity vest on, deciding to keep him close to me today. Despite my being able to hold myself together, the last 24 hours have been rough and I needed the comfort he provided.

We took my jeep since the back seat of Ang's car was too small for Buster to fit. We went to a few local shops and bought some clothes and books. We had to go to Petsmart to get Buster groomed, a new collar, and a few new toys. I did love to spoil him. Our last stop was a grocery store. Angela needed to get a few things. I stocked up on more water and a few other things.

By the time we made it back to my place it was going on seven. We decided to order some Chinese and I fed Buster while Ang ordered. We settled in with a movie after the food arrived.

Although she avoided it, I knew she wanted to talk more about this morning but I wasn't ready yet. When the movie was over, she surprised me by asking about something different, though not altogether completely unexpected.

"Still thinking about the tattoo?"

My head whipped to the side to look at her. She didn't look at me but she did hazard a glance.

I hummed and thought for a moment. Then, because I did not feel like speaking at the moment, I gestured for her attention before signing.

_Yes, I thought about it last night. I do still want to get it. But I don't know if I will ever be able to go on my own._

I shook my head as she was about to offer to go with me like she always did when this topic came up.

_You know I need to do this on my own. I know I've come so far but this is something that I need to do, to solidify the knowledge that my body and my mind are my own, no one else's. The problem is that that concept is so much easier said than understood. It's been three months since I first drew it up but the idea has been with me for a year now. You know this. I just cant seem to…_

I let the sentence die off, Angela's look of worry and pride warming my heart but also making me realize that while I _have_ come so very far, I'm not where I want to be and I don't know if I'll ever get there.

"Okay, Bella. I get it. I just wish you would realize that my being there, or even you just asking for the tiniest little bit of help, by no means means that you are weak or incapable. In fact, it's the opposite. You are strong enough to do everything on your own, but asking help, for support, means you have the power to choose whether you want it or not. After all the therapy and support groups, I'm surprised you still haven't gotten hat concept down yet." She shook her sadly.

I knew she was frustrated with me on that front. I was never good at asking for things because, well, asking meant trouble, which in the end meant pain, and while logically, I knew Angela would_ never _lay a negative finger on me, some things took more time to let go than others.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"No, no, don't be. You are doing the best you can and I appreciate that. I cannot change the way you think or the rate of change. And I don't want to. But I do want you know when and if the time comes, you might not have a choice."

**~LoL~**

Looking at the design later that night, I felt my eyes start to water and my breathing accelerate. Angela left for home after we watched another movie. We didn't speak again, except to say goodbye. She wanted to get a leg up on some work before the week started and to catch up on some sleep. We didn't part on bad terms; the tension was just heavy and I had a lot to think about. She was giving me space to do so.

This design meant a lot of things to me, some I was ready to confront and others I didn't even want to touch with a ten-foot pole. But I knew, at some point, it had to be done. What would be the point of all the progress I made, if I couldn't overcome this hurdle? I don't want to go back to questioning every tiny detail of my life and being suspicious of others. I don't want the nightmares to increase. I don't want to go back to the lack of sleep or the drugs.

I don't want to back to ten years ago.

I cant.

Buster comes into my room, having come in from doing his business. He jumps on my bed and whimpers when he senses my mood. His head falls on my leg and I scratch his ears.

"I'm alright, Buster, I'm okay."

Grabbing a tissue from my bedside table, I wiped at my face and came to a decision.

**I apologize for the lack of update. Things went from bad to worse for me almost right after the last update and I needed time to get it all together. Good news! I'm officially a college graduate! YAY! No more homework until March when (hopefully) I start grad school. Obviously, that means I'm on a break. So in between looking for a job and possibly moving, I'll be writing. As I said before, if this story garners enough attention, I may make a posting schedule but right now there isn't one. I'll update when I feel like it or a chapter's done, which ever comes first. But I promise not to make you wait long. I know how painful it is to wait.**

**Next update: Wednesday/Thursday**

**Still looking for a beta. PM me if interested.**

**How we doin' so far?**

**R4L**


	5. Chapter 4

**Hi Folks! I'm sorry this is late. **

**Dont own. Just playing in her sandbox.**

**Chapter 4**

**JPOV**

Emmett called 'creepy guy' (his real name was Waylon but creepy guy was more entertaining) a few days later and asked him to come in for appraisal and to bring his friend who drew up the dragon. I was finishing up a session with a young lady who was getting a phoenix across her shoulder blades. We were nearly done and she was one of the few women I've tattooed over the years that had no pain threshold. The back of the neck and the spine are one of the most sensitive spots on the body. She took it like a pro. I wiped access ink and blood from the edge of a wing, rubbed Vaseline on the area I worked on and then taped a layer of saran wrap on it. I tapped Siobhan's shoulder to let her know we were done for the day. She adjusted the straps of her camisole, pulling them up onto her shoulders, smiled at me, paid and then left.

I cleaned up my station while Emmett brought creepy guy and his friend, a tall—nearly as tall as Emmett—and muscled, blonde man, to the back into the office. Rose was in the middle of a piercing job but since she wouldn't be the one doing the tatt she didn't need to be in the meeting. I headed to the back to find Emmett leaning against my desk with creepy guy and the blonde man standing in front of his desk which was adjacent mine. He waved me in and I took a seat behind my desk. I pulled out a folder from one of my desk drawers, opening it on the desk. I had made three versions of the dragon, one with the fire reduced and the wings big, one with the wings reduced and the fire big, and one with both reduced.

"Guys, this is Jasper. He owns the place. It'll either be me or him doing the tatt." Emmett said.

"I'm Waylon, and this is Carlisle. He drew the dragon." He said, nodding toward him.

Up close, I could see Carlisle had blue eyes, 5 o'clock shadow, and a hint of ink peeked out from the short sleeves of his plain white t-shirt. His arms were folded across his chest making his muscles bulge a bit. If Emmett wasn't so big, I might have been intimidated. As it stood, I wondered what he did for a living.

"I have to ask; how did a bet turn into this?" Emmett grinned at Carlisle.

He grinned back, shaking his head.

"A couple of us guys went out drinking and they bet Waylon couldn't describe a picture to me while trashed and I couldn't draw it while trashed either. They underestimated my alcohol tolerance. Waylon was too shitfaced to tell me exactly what he wanted so I just filled in the blanks."

We all laughed.

"I spruced it up a bit but that's the final image. Change however you want, Waylon."

Emmett waved Waylon over to his desk, taking the folder from with the mock-ups from me and they proceeded to discuss the details of the dragon. Emmett could draw just about anything, almost as well as me. I had a feeling he wanted to do this job. I also think he wanted the opportunity to cause the man a little pain for hitting on his fiancée. I shook my head at the thought, smiling slightly.

Carlisle came towards me and handed a black folder I didn't realize he was holding to me. I looked up at him. He shrugged, a sheepish look on his face.

"Waylon told me you guys really liked it so I thought I'd bring some samples in."

He brought a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. He had to be around my mom's age but looked as nervous as a teenager on his first date.

I took the folder and flipped through it. He had pictures of two more dragons, some faeries, animals, and even some quite impressive letter work. His use of color along with shading and layering was really good. My eyebrows rose. I grabbed a pen from a cup on my desk and a notebook. Opening it up to a blank page, I wrote down a question. He didn't question my lack of speech, come to think of it, neither did Waylon, which either meant Emmett must've said something or they just didn't care.

_Where did you learn to draw?_

I pushed the notebook toward him and after a moment he asked.

"I'm a graphic designer. You know Cullen Advertising?"

I nodded.

"I've done most of the designs for their top contracts, fortune 100 companies and the like." That explained his skill. It takes years of practice to be this good, especially if the talent isn't natural. His seemed like a bit of both.

_Are you looking for work? Is that why you brought these? Cullen Advertising is a nearly internationally known company. If you're handling their top contracts why come here with a portfolio? I'm sure they pay much more than I do._

"No, I'm not looking for work but you're right; they do pay more. I guess I'm just looking for something a little different than dealing with demanding CEOs and people who think they know everything." He grinned at me and I returned it.

_Ah, yes, big business, little brains. I know the feeling. What were you thinking, then?_

"I'm not sure, perhaps an apprenticeship or just an opportunity? I hear you're the best tattoo artist this side of the city and that your shops are some of the best known in Cali."

_Flattery may get you places. _I grinned at him._ I see your own ink though. Those look really well done. Why not go for the artist who did those?_

"Yes, Demetri Italiano did these." Carlisle lifted his sleeves to show the claws of a dragon and tail on one arm and some colorful koi fish and flowers on the other. The ink most likely spread across and down his back and maybe his chest as well. "He does great work but he's also a pompous asshole who think he's God's gift women, and probably men."

I nodded, laughing. Yes, I met the man once at a tattoo convention when I was first getting started. He claimed he could make me and break me, that there was no one better in the business than him. Fuck, did I love proving him wrong. You could say we are rivals now. He's always sending people to troll my shops, trying to steal my artists and designs. People didn't think tattooing was a cutthroat business but it so was. For Italiano, underestimating his artists' abilities is how he managed to lose five of his people over the last three years to me. That was insanely gratifying.

But I had a thought. Narrowing my eyes at him, I wrote down my suspicions.

_Why should I trust you? He's always sending people my way, trying to steal my work and clients. How do I know you aren't working for him?_

"I don't know. I guess you'll just have to trust me."

I frowned and looked up at him. He seemed sincere but in my experience, just because one acted sincere doesn't mean they are.

Suddenly, I remembered _him_ asking me to be a good boy, to hand him the bottle, that he would leave her alone if I just did what was I told. His voice was placating, coaxing but his intent was anything but.

Oh, shit.

Not now. Not now. _Not now._

My eyes closed and my head started to pound. Blood rushed in my ears and my hands clenched. My breathing spread.

Vaguely, I could hear someone calling my name but I couldn't answer them because mouth refused to work. I heard the office door open and close.

Screaming and yelling assaulted my senses and dark spots were at the edges of my vision.

"Jasper! Jasper! Focus on me. Look at me." Emmett grabbed my shoulders, turning me towards him. His face was inches mine, forcing my eyes to focus on his. He grabbed my hands, forcing them to unclench and pressed them against his broad chest.

"Follow my breathing, bro. C'mon. If you don't, you'll pass out and we don't want that right?"

I shook my head no, regulating my breathing to match his. Slowly, I could feel the fuzziness in the head ebb away and the spots in my vision fade. Fuck, I haven't had a reaction like that in nearly five years.

The fuck happened? One minute I was talking to Carlisle and the next…

"Better?" Emmett asked. When I nodded, the hands on my shoulders relaxed and my hands dropped from his chest to my lap. Emmett moved back, giving me some space.

"J, what happened?"

I shook my head again. Shit, I needed to stop doing that. My head wasn't done pounding.

_I don't know. I was talking with Carlisle and then…_

I looked up at Emmett, frowning.

_He asked me to trust him._

Em's eyes widened. He knew, then, what had been going through my head.

"What were you talking about?"

_He was looking to become an artist_. I gestured to my desk where Carlisle's portfolio lay open still. _He said most of his ink was done by Demetri and we know how sneaky and persistent that fucker is._

Emmett nodded looking thoughtful.

"He must've done his research before he came. He said he never expected Waylon to keep, let alone get the thing tattooed so I don't think he came with the intention of spying or doing anything for Italiano."

_You're right. He was very sincere. Plus, he works for Cullen Advertising. He makes more than me or Italiano would ever pay him, even if he is really good. It's got to be for some other purpose but I don't think it's negative._

"Are you okay?"

Nodding slowly, I signed _It just shocked me, threw me back into a time where…he…tried…_

Frowning again, I shook my head, letting my hands drop to my lap, and then cursed out loud. My head was pounding again.

"Aw, Jasper. We talked about this. You know it can't and wont happen again. Ever. You know that."

_I know. I just…_

"Having you been having the dreams again?"

My head snapped up sharply, forcing my eyes to clench shut tightly as a sharp pain ricocheted around my brain.

"Fuck, bro."

I heard movement, the office door opening and closing after a whispered curse. By the time Emmett came back I could open and focus my eyes. He had a bag from McDonalds in one hand and a plastic bag in the other.

"Here, take this and eat something." He handed me the Mickey D's bag and put a bottle of aspirin and some water from the plastic bag on the desk.

Despite the fact that I was the older brother and was supposed to be the one telling him what to do, I did as I was told.

Emmett was leaning against the wall, watching me like a hawk when Rose came in. He must've said something to her on his way out for she didn't look alarmed but concerned and asked if I was all right. When I nodded, she stared at me for longer than necessary but decided not to push the subject. She could be abrasive when she wanted to be but she was also loyal. I knew she didn't know everything that happened me, or Emmett for that matter, but she knew some of it and that was enough for her to realize that sometimes he and I had triggers despite all the therapy and it was best to let us ride it out. These days they were few and far between but every once and while…

_What happened to Carlisle and Waylon? _I signed to Emmett.

"I confirmed a day and time for Waylon to come back and start his sessions. He decided to keep the wings instead of the fire and changed the placement from his leg to his back and part of his arm. We priced it at $500 because of the extra detail. I gave Carlisle your card and told him to come back in a few days."

I nodded as he finished talking, the meds kicking in and soothing the pain in my head.

"Have you talked to Mom?"

_Not since I put her in contact with that security company for her shop last week._

"You should talk to her. You know she hates it when you hide things from her. Especially now."

I was shaking my head before he could finish.

_NO! She already blames herself. She'll never stop blaming herself. I don't want to dump this on her. Especially not now that she's finally doing something for herself._

Emmett and Rose both sighed, heavily.

I knew they worried about me, especially since I'm alone while they have each other and when I'm not working I hardly speak to anyone. Being alone had its ups and downs and lately, I was started to notice all the downs. But who would want a man that isn't completely whole and comes with enough baggage to fill a 747? Add to that the fact that I've never really been in a relationship before and, well…

"Just call her. She worries when she doesn't hear from you." This from Rose, who talked more to Esme than Em and I both did on a weekly basis. They adored each other. It wasn't that Em and I had a problem with our mother, in fact we loved her more than anything, but we had spent the last years trying to repair our relationship with her and that wasn't easy. Sometimes it was hard to talk with her about what we went through and why she made the choices she made. It was difficult to talk to her. But we were working on it. _I_ was working on it.

_Next week._

**Next update: Sunday**

**I think that will be the schedule from now on. Every sunday unless otherwise stated.**

**So what do you think of Jasper?**

**R4L**


	6. Chapter 5

**Hi folks. Apologize for the delay. My beta was a bit busy. Thanks to Aegis Trickster for betaing despite her busy schedule. **

**Also, I want to give a shoutout to katandjasper for sharing a bit of her story with me. Not everyone is accepting of others who have difficulties hearing and/or speaking. Because I have hearing loss myself, this also comes from personal experience. **

**Any mistakes are mine.**

**Dont own. Just playing in the sandbox.**

**Chapter 5**

**BPOV**

About two weeks after my nightmare, Angela and I were in my office going over the first stages of the system for the Volturi account that Eric and his team had finished. Despite our talk, I still regressed, but only a little. I talked to her less, using sign language more often and while she didn't comment on it, I knew she was worried.

Today, though, I had been working up the nerve to tell her something and trying to broach the subject was rendering me damn near mute.

"Aro talked to Caius and got him to stop calling us every other day every time he gets an itch. He even apologized."

_That's good. I don't know how he deals with such an overbearing person, brother or otherwise._

"Uh oh, you've gone silent on me. What's up?"

Dammit. I was hoping she wouldn't notice for a few more hours.

_I'm going to go._ I signed after a minute.

Despite the fact that I didn't speak, my throat closed up and it was suddenly hard to swallow. My hands shook.

Angela's eyes widened.

"Really?"

I nodded slowly, glancing at her quickly before looking back at my computer. She was right in that I had been thinking about it for a long time. I just had to muster up the courage go through with it.

"When?"

_Saturday._

"Wow, Bella. I'm proud of you." Angela said with a smile lighting her face.

I returned it slightly, the butterflies in my stomach making me feel a little nauseous. I knew she would be happy that I finally decided to go but I still worried about whether or not I could go by myself. I knew I _needed_ to, I just didn't know if I was _able_ to. Maybe I could ask her to go with me on the first day and after that…no…I don't think I'm strong enough for that.

Angela had gone back to typing on her laptop so I tapped my desk to get her attention but didn't look at her as I signed.

_Would you go with me?_

I heard her sharp intake of breath and held mine, waiting for her answer. Just when I was starting to fidget she called my name.

"Bella?"

I looked up at her.

_Yes_.

~LoL~

I wish life was more like binary code and program writing. If I created a program and there was a problem, it was in the code and if I found said problem, corrected it, then the program was guaranteed to work the way I wanted it to work from the beginning.

But unlike code, life has no guarantees.

And I learned that the hard way.

"Want me to drive?"

Angela and I stood outside my door, waiting for me to make the first move. I had thought about bringing Buster with me but I neglected to ask if animals were allowed when I called the shop and I don't think I could handle it if I was turned away because of him, especially after all the work it took me to get there. Despite that, I had to practically force Buster to sit and stay in my room before we even made it out the door because he sensed my mood and was not happy about being left in the house. I tried to talk him down, told him I'd be okay, that Angela was with me, but I swear the dog gave me a dubious, disbelieving look that said 'like hell you will.' Sometimes he was too intuitive for his own good but he stayed. I made a mental note to get him something good on the way home, that is, if I could even it past my driveway.

I had the notebook with the drawing clutched to my chest. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and nodded at her.

Angela didn't speak or try to initiate small talk. She let me dwell in my own headspace, which, surprisingly, wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be once I made inside the car and we headed out. I was still nervous as hell and my hands hadn't stopped shaking but I was okay. I barely registered the scenery or the time as Angela drove. The shop wasn't far so the ride didn't take long but at the same time it felt like hours.

"We're here, Bella."

I looked up at Angela who pointed across the street. I turned my head to see the sign _Jasper's Tattoos and Designs_. The front of the shop had dark tinted windows with the various services they provided printed in them. It looked more like a salon than a tattoo shop and that eased my nervousness a little, but not much.

"We don't have to go today, Bella. You have all the time in the world." Angela said.

I breathed deeply, steeled myself and reached for the door handle.

Angela and I made our way across the street. Like ripping a Band-Aid off, I pulled the door open and stepped inside. I was greeted with music playing from hidden speakers, a couple sitting in the waiting area browsing through a tattoo portfolio, a few flat screens showing music videos, news, and day time TV. There was a glass counter directly in front of me with an array of jewelry, shirts, hats and other merchandise. No one was behind the counter but there was a bell with a sign that to ring for assistance.

Angela glanced at me before ringing the bell. She grabbed my hand and led me to an empty couch across from the couple.

"It's alright, Bella. You've made it this far. No one will think you weak for leaving right if you chose to." Angela encouraged me. Her hands tightened on mine so I knew she noticed how they had yet to stop shaking.

She was right, though. Had made it this far. I could make it even farther if I just believed I could do it, which I didn't. If anything, I wanted to make Angela proud of me since she was the only one who ever cared to give a damn about me.

I smiled at her, though it was weak.

"Can I help you ladies?" We looked towards the counter to see a huge, burly man with blue eyes and brown curly hair wearing a black muscle shirt smiling at us.

I flinched, hoping no one noticed but knowing Angela did as she squeezed my hand. She stood up, more or less dragging me with her and approached the counter.

"Hi, we're here to see Rose. We have an appointment." My gaze was focused on the man's hands rather than his face. I was not opposed to admitting he scared me. Angela would handle this. I was suddenly glad I asked her to come with me. I was sure, in this moment; I would have bolted had I been by myself.

"Okay, you must be Bella."

"This is Bella, I'm Angela, the best friend." She squeezed my hand again, urging me to look up but I couldn't. Even though the man sounded nice and sincere, that didn't mean much when things got bad. Not that I thought he would do anything bad in a public place; he was just so…big.

"Gotcha. Well, first times are better with company. I'll go get Rosie. She's just finishing up a piercing. Have a seat and she'll be out soon."

"Okay." Angela pulled me back to the chairs and we sat. I took a deep breath.

"Well, he's cute but taken."

I looked up at her. Using one hand because I wasn't sure I could relax my grip on her hand long enough, I signed.

_How do you know that?_

"His eyes lit up just at the mention of her name. I know that look. My parents give it to each other all the time." She said.

I hummed in response, suddenly wishing that I had seen this look she was talking about because that had to mean the big man wasn't mean and big, he was just big, right?

I shook my head.

"How are you doing, Bella?"

I shrugged.

_I'm not going to bolt, although if you hadn't been here with me, I might have. He's huge! _

"Yes, I noticed. It's impossible not to. But I bet you he's harmless. Had you looked you would've noticed his dimples and wide smile. Totally non threatening." Angela grinned at me.

I smiled back, jerking suddenly when I heard someone call my name.

I looked to the counter again, this time seeing a beautiful blonde woman standing behind it. She had grey eyes and a nice smile. Colorful tattoos covered her arms. I could see an elegantly written _E _partially covered by the strap of her red camisole inked over her heart. I wondered if the big man's name began with an E.

Angela and I stood.

"This is Bella, I'm Angela." She held her hand out to Rose. They shook. I waved.

"I'm Rose. It's nice to meet you both. C'mon back." We followed her around the side of the counter to the back. There were four stations, three on the left and on the back wall, each set up with lights and mirrors with cabinets and drawers and two chairs. It reminded me of a hair salon. Rose's station was the second one from the front. She grabbed an extra chair from the station before hers and positioned it next to one already there. She gestured for us to have a seat, to which we did. The big man was nowhere to be seen and I relaxed a bit at that.

"So, Bella, you mentioned getting something you designed."

I nodded, opening my notebook to correct page, and then handing it to her.

I saw her eyes widen just a fraction before she smiled at me.

"Wow, this is really good. Mind if I tweak it just a bit?"

I shook my head. Rose got up and went to the very back of the shop, through a door that said 'employees only'.

"You're doing really well, Bella."

_Thanks. I appreciate that._

My vocal chords did not seem to want to work anymore, despite how far I made it today. I was not worried though as Rose seemed really nice.

Rose came back a few minutes later, handing me my notebook before taking a seat.

"Here's what I've done. I didn't change it much but if you don't like it we can go back to the original or change it to your liking, okay?"

I nodded at her, looking at the drawing she'd copied onto another sheet of paper. She changed the swirls around a bit and entwined the lettering in with said swirls so that it all blended together seamlessly but you could still make out what it said. That was exactly what I'd been trying to accomplish but just couldn't seem to get it right.

I smiled and nodded at her vigorously.

_That's it! Thank you._

I signed before I caught myself. I froze, eyes wide. My hands dropped to my lap.

_It's not a problem. I'm glad you like it._ Rose signed to me.

I blinked at her. She grinned at me.

_My brother in law._ She signed by way of explanation.

Smiling at her, I signed _Thank you_.

I was suddenly glad that I chose this shop over Italiano's. I chose this one was because it was closer to home and Rose was so friendly and helpful on the phone. The guy that answered at the other shop was a bit rude. What was it they said bout first impressions?

"So, where do you want it?"

Since, I didn't think I'd get this far, I hadn't thought much about the placement of the tattoo. I thought about it for a moment.

I gestured to my left shoulder blade.

"Stand up and turn around." I did so, feeling her press the paper with the tattoo on it against the designated area. She hummed then said she'd be right back.

I sat down.

"Are you going to get it today, Bella?"

I nodded. _Yeah, I will. It would take much more work for me to leave and come back later and I'd hate to have to ask you to keep coming back with me._

Angela shook her head at me.

"You know I'll help you with anything, Bella. You're so stubborn."

I shrugged.

I couldn't express how much she meant to me sometimes. She had been there for some of my worst lows and all of my best highs. But sometimes, even after all these years, it felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her to finally realize that I wasn't worth it. Because deep down, I knew I wasn't.

I heard Angela gasp next to me and I turned to see what was wrong. A man had walked into the shop and around the counter to the back. He had dark hair and glasses and was wearing dark wash jeans with a muscle shirt, similar to the big man's although he wasn't as big as him. He smiled at us as he walked by but I noticed his gaze linger on Angela longer. I glanced back and forth between the two of them slightly amused and slightly worried. Angela had gone a date here and there but never had she been so…breathless by a man before. She was such a headstrong woman. I watched her eyes follow him all the way to the back where the big man greeted him with a smile and a hug that had to hurt but the man didn't flinch at all. I hadn't noticed the big man come back yet and I wanted to curl in on myself so as not to attract attention.

"Ben, you made it in!" the big man said. The back of the shop wasn't as big as I thought so sound travelled just loud enough for me to hear it if I turned my head in the right direction.

"Hey, Emmett. I just got back in. Traffic was a bitch leaving the airport, that's why it took me so long." He clapped Emmett on the back. "How's Rose?"

"She's good. Can't wait to get this wedding stuff over and done with, though." He grinned at Ben. Well I guess that answers the question about who the letter tattooed on Rose's chest belonged to.

"Are you guys talking about me again? I can hear you, you know." Rose suddenly appeared at Emmett's side.

"Wouldn't dream of it, babe." Emmett smiled at her, wrapping an arm around her waist and kissing her until it was almost inappropriate.

"Hey, Ben, how was the trip?" Rose asked when they parted.

"It was good. We landed the client." He gave her a brief hug.

"That's great. I know you were nervous about that one for awhile."

"I was. But it's all good. Is Jasper here? I wanted to go over the books with him before I headed home. It's been awhile. Have to make sure he isn't driving this place into the ground." Ben grinned at her.

Rose and Emmett both laughed.

"He's here." Rose said.

Right then, a tall blonde man appeared in the doorway Rose and Emmett had come from. He was a little taller than Emmett but not as big, closer to Ben's size. Come to think of it, all three men had muscles and tattoos. It was a bit unnerving for me but as I glanced at them, for some reason I couldn't take my eyes off the blonde man, Jasper, they said his name was. I couldn't see his eyes from where I was sitting but, suddenly, like he could sense me looking at him, his gaze snapped to mine and I gasped before looking away, or rather trying to. His blue gaze held me, tethered me to this moment. A heartbeat later, we both blinked and glanced away at the same time.

I breathed deeply.

"Jasper, how's it going?"

With his hand, Jasper made the universal gesture for 'so-so' and gestured for Ben to follow him to the back. Rose kissed Emmett before heading our way. He headed to the front, presumably to get the couple that was sitting out there when we came in.

"Okay, sorry about that. I had to change the size a bit to fit your shoulder and move the swirls a bit. Does this still work?"

I glanced at the image, nodding at her.

"This will cost about $140."

I nodded again. Money wasn't an issue for me.

"Alright, well, I'll print this up and then we can get started." I handed Angela my notebook.

Rose grabbed a chair from the opposite wall that looked like someone had detached the back rest with arms and all, from the seat, turned it around and put it back on. She gestured for me to sit in it with my back facing her. I shrugged off the button up I wore and dropped the strap of my cami just as she drew a curtain around us. I was glad there was some cover. No one would see the hideousness that was my back.

When Rose placed the soft paper against my shoulder, I knew she could see the scars on my back but she didn't comment on them. Angela turned her chair to watch Rose work.

The sound of the gun firing up made me jump but only a little.

"Ready?"

I nodded.

The first press of the gun against my skin was like a brand new step to healing. I breathed in deeply and let it out slowly.

"Okay, Bella?" Rose asked.

I gave her a thumbs up.

"So, Rose, who's the hot hunk of man that just came in?"

I chuckled lightly, hearing Rose do the same.

"That was Benjamin Cheney. He's a long time friend and sometime accountant. He just got back from New York after landing a new client."

"I heard that part."

"You did?"

"Bella and I were shamelessly listening." Angela admitted.

I shook my head, not inclined to negate her because we were.

Angela and Rose talked some more about Ben, how old he was, where he was from, how long had he been an accountant. I zoned out a little, not in the least bothered by the pain of the gun; in fact, I was in the calmest headspace I'd ever been in. I was relaxed. Some time later, I clued into their conversation.

"Ah, well, that's Ben. The big one is Emmett, who you met earlier. He's my fiancé-"

"Oh, congratulations." Angela exclaimed.

"Thank you. He's my big teddy bear. Don't tell him I said that though."

"Cross my fingers." I could sense Angela grinning at Rose.

"And the other guy is my soon-to-be brother-in-law, Jasper, Emmett's older brother."

This got my attention. I turned my head a little, catching Angela looking at me. She grinned at me and I knew what was coming.

"Jasper, huh. Bella was asking about him earlier, weren't you?"

I shook my head.

_Not now, Angela. _

"I saw the way he stared at you. You stared right back. I know you. That never happens."

I shrugged, not ready to admit anything.

"Jasper owns the shop and plenty more, hence the name of the shop. He's the nicest guy you'll ever meet." Rose sounded proud when she first spoke but by the end she sounded sad and guarded. I wondered what happened to him for her to sound so…anguished.

I jerked my head sharply around until I could see Rose's face. She had paused in the tattoo. I looked at her, she looked at me and at that moment, we both realized something really bad had happened.

**So yeah, that happened.**

**Next update: Sunday**

**Reviews give me strength.**


	7. Chapter 6

**Hi Folks. Any mistakes are mine.**

**Dont own. Just playing in her sandbox.**

**Chapter 6**

**BPOV**

I shifted my shoulders, feeling my skin stretch and pull, the ache soothing my racing thoughts. The tattoo ached a little a more on the edges but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Rose told me to keep the plastic on until tonight then gently wash it with warm water and soap. I'd need to call Angela and ask if she could wash and rub some Vaseline on it for me. She had dropped me of off at home a few hours ago and went to run some errands. Buster was insanely happy to see me because the minute I walked in the door he jumped on me and refused to leave my side. I happily gave him his treat, a sandwich from McDonald's because we rarely eat fast food and he deserved so much more, and enjoyed his hovering company.

I turned on the TV, switching to some random channel but not really watching it. I couldn't exactly wrap my head around what finally getting the tattoo meant. I finally had tangible evidence that I was my own person, that I could do things as big as marking my own body because _I _wanted to, not because someone else enjoyed my skin changing colors and forced me to hide a limp every other day. I could do this all on my own.

Is that what Angela had been trying to tell me?

Yes, I went to college, worked my ass off, started a business, bought a home and even went to therapy for a while, all on my own. But those choices weren't because I wanted to exert a power I knew I didn't have over myself but because I knew that if I ever wanted to survive I had to make a way for myself. I had no choice. There was no one else to do it for me. Angela always told me I should be proud of how far I've come, that I should be happy; my therapist said so too. But I always felt like I wasn't done yet, that something was still missing. But I had no clue what that something was.

When my nightmares started again I waited for a relapse. It'd happened before so I was expecting something bad. But other than a lack of sleep and some lingering exhaustion, I was doing okay. Which didn't make sense. Things were never that easy for me. When was the other shoe going to drop?

I sighed.

I could feel a headache coming on. Thinking myself into circles was always painful.

Grabbing my phone from the table, I sent Angela a text for her to come over whenever she had a chance. I turned the TV down a bit, wrapped the throw from the back of the couch around myself and huddled into the couch with Buster curled into my side.

Darkness soon overtook me.

**~LoL~**

_Shit. I had hoped to beat them home today but he must've left work early and picked her up. I tried not to alert them to my presence but the second I closed the front door she was on me._

"_You just don't know when to quit, do you? You lazy little bitch. I see how you walk around here with your tight pants and small shirts. You can't tempt him away from me. He doesn't want you. No one wants you. You're pathetic! Ugly!"_

_I made to run to closet they called a room but she grabbed my hair, pulling me into the living room. She tore my book bag from shoulders, tossing it somewhere. After she landed the first blow, I huddled in the corner of the living room between the couch and the wall, raising my arms to protect my head from her attack. A swift kick to my unprotected side knocked the wind out of me and I dropped my arms, pitching forward onto the floor. A punch to the face made my head swim and my jaw ache. More hits came to my sides and back as I curled into fetal position, breathing hard, tears running down my face._

"_Baby, she could never take me from you. You know that." He cooed at her. He wasn't in the room when she dragged me in so he must've come from the kitchen._

"_I do know that but this little bitch doesn't. I'll have to teach her a lesson."_

_The beating stopped long enough for me to wheeze in a few breaths and relax my muscles a bit. Just a bit._

_She grabbed my hair, pulling me from behind the couch and to the middle of the room. My sight was blurry and my head pounded. I think my lip was split. Even though it hurt I tried to reason with her, knowing it was pointless._

"_I—I don't k-know what y-you're t-t-talking about." I gasped. My ribs were screaming with every breath I tried to take._

"_You're a liar. You're always fucking lying. That's what you do best, isn't it?"_

_She grabbed my hair again, yanking my head back so sharply I screamed and felt a twinge in my neck._

"_Scream all you want, Bella. There's no one to hear you. No one to save you." He laughed._

_She kicked my head and my ears started to ring._

"_P-p-please, stop."_

"_Not until you learn that nothing belongs to you. You own nothing. You are nothing. You deserve nothing."_

_My vision blurred and I blinked several times to clear it but I couldn't stop crying even though every inch of my body hurt to do so. I needed to get out of here. I had to find a safe place; somewhere no one could find me, where no one could hurt me._

_Suddenly, I was in the room all alone. The blinds were closed and the furniture was old and tattered. I stood up, feeling my body tremble. I turned in a circle, wondering how my body could hurt so much and yet still manage to hold me up. Then, I heard laughing coming from a back room. I followed the sound slowly, limping my way past a set of stairs and old, peeling paint. The laughing got louder the closer I got to the back room. _

_When I stepped into the doorway, my heart dropped into my stomach._

_I screamed._

**~LoL~**

"Bella, wake up! Bella! Please!"

Angela's voice registered loudly in my head, along with barking. Buster was going haywire.

Angela shook me, her hands tight on my shoulders. I cracked open my eyes to see her grey ones looking back at me, wide and panicked. Over her shoulder, I could see Buster pacing and barking around the living room.

"Ang—" I winced, my throat raw and painful. The second he heard my voice, Buster came barreling toward me, leaping onto the couch and plopping half his body on me. He licked at my face and hands when I brought them to his head, scratching at his ears.

"Don't talk. I'll make you some tea while you calm Buster down. He's going out of his mind." Angela rushed to quiet me before heading to the kitchen.

I nodded softly, my head starting to pound. I wished I could tell her to bring some aspirin too.

I scratched at Buster's head and rubbed his back and sides, trying to soothe his whimpering. He barked once, letting me know he could sense my mood and slowed his breathing. I focused on him, matching my breathing to his.

Angela came back a few minutes later with a mug in her hands. I sipped slowly, groaning softly as the tea soothed my throat. Buster whimpered quietly and Angela reached from her perch on the living room table to rub at his back. He settled after a moment.

Angela gave me a few moments to collect myself before she started asking questions.

"What the hell happened, Bella? When I pulled up Buster came barreling out the house toward me, barking wildly. I thought someone was hurting you with all the screaming going on. He was beside himself!"

_Nightmare_, I signed tiredly.

"Nightmare." She said flatly, her eyes half dubious, half concerned. "You were fine when I left you earlier. What happened? You know I wouldn't have left you otherwise."

I shook my head, taking another sip of the tea. I tried to speak again but my throat still hurt, which frustrated me because I actually wanted to talk but couldn't and dammit I must've been screaming loudly for it to be this raw.

_I _was_ fine, even great. I decided to take a nap while I waited for you to come back. I might've pushed too hard today and my subconscious know it but this hit me harder than it has in a long time. I was back in that house with them. It was awful._

I paused, squeezing my eyes closed as if to block out the images that would stay with me forever.

Angela sharp intake of breath had me worried.

"What else? You weren't just screaming, Bella. Something else happened."

My eyes widened a little.

_What did I say?_

She looked at me. Her brow furrowed as if she wasn't sure she should say what she about to but was going to do so anyways.

"You said his name. Jasper's."

And the pounding in my head got worse before I dropped the mug and passed out.

**~LoL~**

**JPOV**

Ben hung around until closing time. He said hadn't expected to stay so long but it had been awhile since he had been by the shop, about two or three weeks, I think, and he didn't have anywhere he needed to be. We were closed for the night, finally. Saturdays were always grueling. People tended to flock to the shop on the weekends and when you add in the appointments, well, it made for a long day. Em, Rose, Ben and I were hanging in the back office.

"So, Rose, you have to tell me about the woman with the fuck me glasses and long legs you had at your station when I came in." Ben said, his face showing his anticipation in finding out more information.

Rose grinned, rolling her eyes at his blatant show of interest. If there was one thing Ben wasn't, it was subtle. He knew he looked good and sometimes took advantage of that fact; he just wasn't an asshole about it.

I sat up a little in my chair wanting to hear more because it was the woman next her that interested me, although I wasn't sure why, and I needed to know about her. I frowned a little at that.

"That was Angela and her best friend Bella. And believe me, she saw you too."

Ben fist pumped like a teenager and I laughed quietly at him.

"Tell me about her."

"She and Bella own a software company, they've been best friends for years and this was their first time at a tattoo shop."

"Rosie, you popped their cherries." Emmett said perversely.

She popped him on the back of the head. Ben and I laughed at him.

"Shut up, Em. And I only popped Bella's. Angela was just there for moral support." She looked at me as she said this next part. "Bella almost seemed she was going to the executioner right up until the needle touched her skin. Then it was like…she found a piece of herself."

Rose started at me for a few beats and suddenly I understood what she was saying.

Something bad had happened to Bella. And she used the pain of getting of tattoo as a way to overcome something. I knew exactly what that was like. I'd done it a number of times now.

"Ah, the glory of new tattoos. They'll do that to you." Ben said, not picking up on the tension but he had the same look of completion on his face that most avid tattoo getters get.

Emmett blinked, noticing the tension but not commenting on it.

"She doesn't speak either." Rose said quietly.

"No?" This from Emmett who I knew greeted them earlier but hadn't mentioned anything out of the ordinary.

She shook her head.

"That explains why Angela spoke for her but not why she refused to look at me." He frowned.

"I'm pretty sure she's deaf but not completely. She was able to hear both Angela and me speaking and respond. And Emmett, you're huge. You probably intimidated her. She was already going through something."

He nodded as if he was just realizing that fact.

While Emmett was a fun loving and nice guy, sometimes he did forget his size made people wary of him.

"I saw her, Angela I mean, talking to Bella. Looked like Bella wouldn't have made it here without her. " Ben commented.

Before I had to go do a final mock up for a client, I came out of the office when I saw Ben come in. When I saw her, that one look reflected back at me nearly everything I had been dealing with my whole life. Pain, sorrow, guilt, sadness, and fuck, why did it have to hurt so much? Why did she have to suffer so much? She looked so beat down in that moment that I had the inexplicable urge to comfort her. When I realized that, I looked quickly away from her haunted brown eyes and went to settle business with Ben.

But even now, Bella's eyes stayed with me. Her curly, back length brown hair, soft features drew me in and I wasn't sure that that was a good thing.

_Did she say why she was getting the tattoo?_

"No, she didn't but you know me. I don't pry, especially if I'm working on someone who is…sensitive." Rose said.

I did know that but I was hoping otherwise. But now it wouldn't matter because unless she was coming back for another tattoo she was never coming back. For some reason, my chest ached a bit at that thought.

"Perhaps we can get them back here." Ben said.

My head snapped up to me his gaze. He looked thoughtful and mischievous.

_How_?

"I see your interest in Bella and we all know I'm interested in Angela. So here's what we do…"

This was going to be interesting.

**~LoL~**

I lay in bed wondering what it would be like to have what Emmett and Rose have. Even though we both had been put through hell, he bounced back a lot better and quicker than I did. I knew he had his problems just like I did but the difference was, he could talk and socialize and be whole for Rose, while I couldn't even be whole for myself. Maybe he was right and I was worthless.

And even if Ben's plan worked, what would Bella want with me? Most days I felt like I had it all together, other days I felt like I was still putting myself back together. No woman deserves a man who can't hold his own.

I sighed, rolling over. A picture of my mom sat on my nightstand. She was smiling, her blue eyes shining and her cheeks red. It took so long for her to get back to that. I didn't want to take that long. I didn't want this at all. That son of a bitch took everything and left me to pick up the shattered and broken pieces of my life.

Fuck it all.

I looked at the clock before muttering 'fuck it' and picking up my phone.

She picked up on the fourth ring.

"Jasper, honey?" She cleared her throat.

"Hi, mom. Sorry to wake you." I said quietly. My throat burned a little. I hadn't spoken in awhile and I felt it.

"No, no, it's fine. What do you need?"

"Can I come over?"

Her near silent gasp made me cringe. I knew she worried about me and that she wished I talked to her more. I hated hurting her but even after all this time, it was still hard for me to reconcile with her decision.

"Sure. I'll leave the door unlocked."

I bought mom the loft and let her have way with everything in it. She deserved that much and more. She was a pretty good interior designer, too. Her place was filled with earth tones, browns and greens and black in some places. She really made this space her own and I was proud of her for that. She was sitting in her living room sipping tea and watching TV. It hadn't taken me long to get here so I knew she hadn't been waiting long. She just didn't like silence.

I took a seat next to her, sighing softly.

"When Emmett first met Rose, he was beside himself with worry. He told me how she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever met and that he'd give anything just to talk to her. Just once. I told him that if she were meant for him then she would take him, faults and all, without hesitation. And three months later they were dating, a year later they were inseparable."

_They called you?_

"Of course." She shrugged lightly.

We sat in silence while I processed that. Then I had another question.

_How did he know? He never had a problem with women. How did he know she was the one?_

"That you'll have to ask him but Rose…" Mom shook her head, smiling softly. "She knew that Emmett had had a difficult past. She knew, even though he hadn't said anything. But she wanted him just as much if not more so than he wanted her. Sometimes, trusting the right can be the best thing that ever happened to you."

She laid her hand on mine, squeezing gently.

"I know things have been hard for you. _I know_. But just as you took control of our lives that night, as you took control of your business and career, you can take control of this. You can make the choice to be happy and loved and wanted. You've always had that choice. You just need to realize it."

And just like that, my mom could still reduce me to tears.

And I hugged her tightly.

Because even after everything that happened, I loved my mother and I wouldn't be here without her.

And it was about time I realized that.

**Wonder what Ben has up his sleeve.**

**Reviews give me strength.**


	8. AN

LoL and EoU A/N

Hi all!

I know it's been eons since I've posted and I'm truly sorry for that. When I started these stories I was in limbo as far as RL went. Then suddenly, I was accepted into grad school, working on two masters degrees and moving and starting a new job. I got super busy. Then, my laptop died and I lost everything. My backups were even lost so it was either start all over or wait till things died down. Unfortunately, things never died down. Then I lost my job and had to deal with few mental and emotional issues. After that, I just didn't want to write a thing anymore. My mother got me a new laptop, (yay!) and I was able to take my old one to the store and recover the hard drive so I was able to salvage something. Now, I'm still in school, not working yet, but I'm dealing with some health issues. I'm not as busy but two masters are no joke. These profs make my brain hurt every day. But it'll be so worth it in the end. It's been a rollercoaster of a year for me.

So, with all that being said, I've lost the track that these stories were on and have no clue where they were headed. As a result, I've decided to take them down and do some rewriting and reshaping. I will finish them. Hopefully, I can make a schedule so I can do regular posts that way you all wont be left hanging for another year. You guys will be the first to know once I do that.

I really want to thank everyone who is still here, those new people who I've gotten reviews from, and the lurkers. I really do read all the reviews and I've gone back to them in support that you guys want me to continue with these stories and are looking forward to more.

Thanks for all your support.

R4L


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